Gila wants a place of her own
She's sick of being a single at someone else's Seder.
While you're at it, see Esther's thoughts on Sabbath as a single.
And keep your single friends and family in mind. If the married among us think it can sometimes be challenging for us to be Jewish . . .
While you're at it, see Esther's thoughts on Sabbath as a single.
And keep your single friends and family in mind. If the married among us think it can sometimes be challenging for us to be Jewish . . .
posted by Shira Salamone at 11:51 PM
8 Comments:
One of the reasons why I took on tallit, tefillin and a heavy schedule of learning/teaching Torah (when I am not working) was that there's simply no reason for a single woman to connect to the Orthodox community without these things. At least when people get used to seeing you at minyan (that girl in tallit and jeans), they will notice if you are not there (at least in my shul, though this was not the case in another shul I went to). Another male student also challenged me to do this because "if *you* don't, my daughter will have no reason to be frum. So it's up to you to be a role model."
Considered the Conservative community for a while, but there wasn't a tight community like the Orthodox community that I found. (I could be a good sha"tz, but Shabbat and Yom Tov would be much harder alone)
when I said "Connect to the Orthodox community" I also meant "be religious"--one of the facts of life for me at least--is that my connection to the community also determines how motivated I am to be religious to a large extent.
Someone recently commented on another blog that the people most likely to leave the derech ("path" of Orthodox Judaism) were single women. I think what he had in mind was the reason that you give: ". . . there's simply no reason for a single woman to connect to the Orthodox community without these things [praying three times daily and studying Jewish sacred texts]. I remember Nice Jewish Girl (see my sidebar) once saying that she'd taken to turning lights on and off on the Sabbath, as on a weekday, because, with no one for whom to set a good example, she lacked motivation to refrain from doing so. (Her commenters kindly but strongly advised her to get back on the derech, and she thanked them for the gentle rebuke.) I have mentioned on my blog previously my concern that Orthodox Judaism doesn't seem to provide any role whatsoever for a single and childless woman. Being single is tough on Jewish men, as well, but at least they feel part of the community because they're counted for a minyan, and, as you said, would be missed if they didn't show up. My impression is that a single and childless woman could absent herself from Jewish communal activities for months before anyone even noticed. (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.) Kol ha-kavod to you for making the effort to stay on the inside.
Some Conservative communities are tighter than others, but I don't know that many of them are as tight as the Orthodox--I think that the law against using a vehicle on the Sabbath, which forces Orthodox Jews to to live within walking distance of a synagogue, really has a lot to do with that. Nothing quite beats being able to deliver your mishloach manot packages just by walking a block or two.
I think this is why for me, it is easier to stay within the Orthodox community (and be the rabble rouser there) than identify as "Conservadox" or suchlike. True, I can't do certain things like leyn--but at least my particular community notices when I am not there. That being said--it takes a whole lot more effort for women to even *gain* first notice because of the minyan issue. Also, the UWS community is so huge that the rabbis simply can't keep tabs on everyone.
Thank you for this post. I was touched.
I'm a rabble-rouser no matter where I go. I'm too observant for many of my fellow and sister Conservative Jews, but not observant enough, and too radical in my hashkafa/religious perspective--not to mention too egalitarian--for the Orthodox community. Either I stay with the Conservative Movement, where I can speak my mind freely not only on this blog but also in real life (sometimes--some Conservatives think I'm too radical in my hashkafa, too!), or I become a baalat t'shuva/"returnee" to Orthodox Judaism, where I'd have a real sense of community but could remain a member thereof only if I kept my big mouth shut. I've resigned myself to being a square peg in a round world. It's not for nothin' that I called my blog "On the Fringe."
Thanks for your kind words. I wish I could make myself useful, but I ran out of guys to recommend by the time I was in my thirties. :(
Question for rivkayael:
One of the reasons why I took on tallit, tefillin and a heavy schedule of learning/teaching Torah (when I am not working) was that there's simply no reason for a single woman to connect to the Orthodox community without these things.
I am curious: Have you really found acceptance in the Orthodox community as a tallis/tefillin wearing female? I don't picture any of the Orthodox communities or shuls I've known doing so. Yours must be remarkably open-minded and accepting.
Shira: Your blog gives people chizuk. I think the answer to people's religious problems is that they need to take responsibility for their own spirituality instead of blaming it on singleness or other things...there's a lot of beauty in being able to be joyful no matter what (and by saying this, I am *not* putting down other people's struggles).
Elie: Yes, I have met rabbis on *both* ends of the spectrum. The shul that I go to would rather women show up with tallit and tefillin (Rabbi: Even if you happen to be wearing them!) than drop off being frum. Of course the logical next question is: "Will this really bring you closer to God, or are you just wanting to be like the men". My answer: "Personally, yes I need the tangible reminder, can't speak for other women but if the perceived inequity *distances* them from God, then yes bring on the tallit and tefillin." I know other rabbis who haven't faced the situation yet, but have told me that they have told *their* male congregants not to give a woman grief if she comes in with said accouterments.
I generally don't talk about these things (since I don't consider myself obligated in that sense) in Orthodox circles, but when the question comes up, people are generally open to it because they know me as a person. Same goes for others--if you see them as 'the feminist movement', you have some stereotype but if you know the person, the perception changes. In fact, the stimulus for me taking these on was one of my male students in the shul who challenged me "why should my daughter be frum if happy, religious women are keeping their faith at home, while the angry women are the image of involved Orthodox women."
Shira: I am so sorry for using this thread as a soapbox!
No problem. This is an interesting discussion, and I happy to host it.
""why should my daughter be frum if happy, religious women are keeping their faith at home, while the angry women are the image of involved Orthodox women."
That's certainly one of the more interesting questions I've heard lately. I guess it might be a problem that those who are happy making a career of keeping a traditional Jewish home are seen somewhat less frequently because they're, well, at home. But I do find it sad that women who would prefer to be more involved in Jewish public life (ritual and otherwise) are often seen in a negative light.
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